OPINION — Online dating used to mean wondering whether someone’s profile photo was 10 years old. Now there’s a more fundamental question: Does this person even exist?
As host of a local dating podcast, I encourage people to take a chance on love. But taking a chance on someone and handing your heart — or your savings — to a fictional character are two very different things.
Romance scammers have long used fake identities to manufacture affection and trust. Artificial intelligence adds another layer: Even the face smiling back on a video call may be a deepfake.
Your butterflies are real. Your match might not be.
The answer isn’t to abandon online dating or to treat every charming stranger as a criminal. It’s to stop confusing digital chemistry with verified identity. We need a dating culture where reasonable questions aren’t considered unromantic and boundaries don’t require an apology.
Take the connection beyond the keyboard
He sends thoughtful paragraphs, remembers your favorite flower and always knows exactly what to say. Lovely. But we’re looking for a partner, not auditioning a customer-service chatbot.
Suggest a brief, live video conversation. Ask follow-up questions that invite a genuine exchange. Federal regulators identify repeated excuses for never meeting or video chatting as a warning sign.
Still, a video call is supporting evidence, not a certificate of authenticity. The Arizona Attorney General’s Office warns that AI can create realistic deepfake videos in real time. One charming conversation shouldn’t erase every other concern.
Chemistry deserves curiosity, not an immediate suspension of judgment.
That means investigating the story, not just admiring the cheekbones. Yes, he’s gorgeous. So is a stock photo.
The Federal Trade Commission recommends reverse-searching profile pictures to see whether they appear under other names or with conflicting details. Look for consistency in the job, location and personal history your match shares. Do independently found profiles support the story?
A mismatch deserves questions. A clean search doesn’t prove someone is genuine.
Neither does polished writing prove someone is fake. Using help to craft a message isn’t the same as inventing an identity. We’re looking for corroboration, not conducting a spelling bee.
The clearest test may come when you set a boundary.
Suddenly, there’s an emergency. A frozen account. A plane ticket they can’t afford. Or an “exclusive” investment opportunity requiring your money before you’ve even split an appetizer.
The FTC’s guidance is clear: Don’t send money to an online love interest. Regulators also warn against investment pitches from people met through dating apps, even after weeks or months of conversation.
Try this: “I don’t send money or invest through people I meet online.”
No apology, no negotiation, no ‘just this once’
Set a boundary around emotional speed, too. Rapid declarations and constant attention can help scammers establish trust quickly. Being called someone’s soulmate doesn’t mean they’ve earned soulmate-level access.
None of these checks offers certainty. A real human can still be a real scammer. The goal is to let trust develop through consistent behavior rather than surrender it in response to convincing attention.
If you suspect fraud, cease all contact, report the account and tell someone you trust. If money changed hands, contact your bank or payment provider promptly and report the scam to the FTC.
And if you’ve been fooled, skip the self-shaming. Someone deliberately exploited your willingness to connect. The shame belongs to the person who weaponized it, not to you.
We shouldn’t have to choose between being openhearted and being careful.
Date boldly. Verify deliberately. A promising match should lead toward a real relationship, not to a wire transfer.
Marla Lit co-hosts “Dare to Date Me” with Max Love, who has supported her through 40 years of dating antics and two marriages. Find them on Facebook, YouTube, Podbean and Apple podcasts. Please submit comments at yourvalley.net/letters or email them to azopinions@iniusa.org. We are committed to publishing a wide variety of reader opinions, as long as they meet our Civility Guidelines.
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