By Nora O'Malley, Sun City toxic relationship writer
D
o you feel lost? Wondering what is your purpose? Why are you still here? Feeling crushed? Questioning everything about yourself? Feel like you’re at fault or made a huge mistake?
There are several factors for change. Mindset, action, skills and working on yourself.
When you were growing up as a teen and young adult, you might be sad for her/him, but you needed to learn your own lessons. The fact is we are the sum of our life lessons. If you do not like who you have become, then change it. It’s never too late to change. Take up an old passion or interest — photography, gardening, volunteer? Take lessons to master a skill, language or a hobby.
Find new friends who are like what you want to be. If you hang around negative people, you will become negative. Hang around party people you will be a party person. Hang around positive and happy people, you will become positive and happy. Put yourself out there, join groups that have similar interests. Don’t stay home and feel sorry for yourself.
Work on you. The biggest addiction is co-dependency. Alcoholics, drug addicts, even narcissism leads back to co-dependency. Most do not feel adequate and look to others for our value and worth. Many of us are people pleasers, some more than others. We may look to our spouse, children, parents or boss for approval and worth. We give them the power to determine our worth and value. Take back that power. People can only hurt you if you allow them.
We were taught that to be a good spouse is to make them happy. Happiness is a personal choice. We can do nice things and be nice but some people you can not please. It is their choice to be happy. You can make someone miserable by treating them badly and they may leave to get away from your negative put downs.
It takes time and does not happen overnight. I worked on my vertical relationship with God, then the horizontal relationships with people. They are not devastating. Yes, I like to have friends and have people like me, but if they don’t, that’s okay. It doesn’t rock my world. If I have not done anything I need to apologize for, then I’m good. I know it is their problem and I refuse to let them make it mine. Be like Teflon, don’t let it stick.
“Take control of Your Life” Escape the Grip of Co-Dependency” by Dr. Jim Richards and “Becoming the Person You Want to Be” By Dr. Jim Richards are the best books I have found on the topic.
Editor’s Note: Nora O’Malley writes on toxic relationships. Visit noraomalley.com.
