Valley therapist: Grieving isn’t the same for everyone

Thomas Brennan, MC, LPC

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No two people live through loss in the same way, even if they’re experiencing the same loss.”

Every year on Aug. 30, National Grief Awareness Day reminds us that loss touches everyone and that none of us have to go through it alone. Whether it’s the loss of a loved one, the death of a dream or the fading of the life we once had, grief is a part of being human.

Grief shows up in ways we don’t always expect. Patients often picture a Hollywood-style process where emotions flow perfectly, people instantly connect and healing happens on a schedule. But like any great movie, the reality is far more human and far more hopeful.

Here’s what I’ve learned about grief in my years as a therapist:

Grief isn’t linear

One of the first things I tell people is that grief doesn’t move neatly from one stage to the next. You might feel acceptance one day and frustration the next.

Anger often shows up more than sadness, because it can feel easier to express. The “seven stages” of grief are still a helpful framework, but they aren’t a checklist.

Instead, they remind us that grief is a mix of emotions that rarely come and go in order.

There are different kinds of loss

While losing a loved one is the most recognized form of grief, it’s not the only one.

People grieve friendships, jobs, health, youth or even the person they used to be. Naming those losses is important—they’re no less real, and they deserve support, too.

What helps

Grief is awkward. It’s uncomfortable to sit with and it’s tempting to try to fix it.

Often, the best thing you can do is simply be present. Sit quietly with someone. Share a memory. Let them cry without rushing to stop the tears.

Surrounding yourself with people who can hold that space, whether friends, family or others who understand grief, can make all the difference.

Consider joining a support group

Support groups are especially powerful. I’ve led virtual groups for several years, with participants joining from across Arizona. Many find it easier to open up from the comfort of their homes.

These groups work because those who have “walked the road” know what it feels like.

For children and teens, group settings are especially valuable. Hearing from peers outside their family normalizes their experience and reminds them they aren’t alone.

Grief is an individual experience

No two people live through loss in the same way, even if they’re experiencing the same loss.

I think often of a patient who first came to therapy weighed down by anger — not just at her loss, but at the people in her life who didn’t seem to be grieving “the right way.”

Over time, she began to see that others were also grieving, just differently than she was. Watching her let go of that anger and refocus on her family was powerful. It was as if a heavy burden had lifted, allowing her to live again.

When to seek support

If you feel stuck, isolated or overwhelmed, that’s a good time to seek support. A support group or therapist can provide perspective and reassurance that what you’re feeling is real and survivable.

National Grief Awareness Day is a reminder that grief will never be comfortable, but it doesn’t have to be lonely. It can even clarify what matters most — who we want to spend time with and how we want to spend it.

Above all, remember: you don’t need to grieve perfectly. You only need to give yourself permission to feel and to let others walk alongside you.

Editor’s note: Thomas Brennan, MC, LPC is a clinical therapist at Denova Collaborative Health, which has locations in Avondale, Mesa, Peoria and Phoenix. Please submit comments at yourvalley.net/letters or email them to AzOpinions@iniusa.org. We are committed to publishing a wide variety of reader opinions, as long as they meet our Civility Guidelines.