How do we explain violence to children?

Michael Medoro

Submitted photo

Tragedies like these remind us that children are not bystanders. They are witness to a world that can feel frightening and unpredictable. Every lockdown drill, every headline, every conversation about shootings leaves a mark. But our response can also leave a mark.”

Opinion

Who was Charlie Kirk?

This week, our nation was rocked by two tragedies: The assassination of political conservative activist and Turning Point USA co-founder Charlie Kirk at Utah Valley University, who was speaking at an outdoor “Prove Me Wrong” debate, in which students challenge his views. Nearly simultaneously, a student opened fire at Evergreen High School in Colorado, injuring two classmates before turning the gun on himself. 

Meanwhile, my daughter was participating in a lockdown drill. Familiar? During the drill, students and staff lock themselves in a room and practice emergency procedures, such as turning off the lights, staying quiet and hiding while an “active shooter” runs around banging on doors.

I’ve never experienced these drills. My childhood was filled with tornado drills — scary in their own right, but rooted in preparing for nature, not human intent. Our children are being taught to hide from bullets instead of storms. This contrast speaks volumes about the world our children are inheriting. 

It’s natural to want to shield children from these horrors, but silence is rarely protection. Children are perceptive. They hear about — and often see — violence on social media, from friends or on the news. And many will stumble upon these stories long before a parent has a chance to prepare them, as is the case with the very public Kirk shooting, where unedited, graphic videos circulated almost immediately on social media. That makes us, as parents and adults, their first responders and fact-checkers. 

So how do we help children navigate these moments?

Be honest, but simple — and let them lead

The most important gift we can give children is the space for dialogue. Instead of a parent-led monologue, encourage child-led conversations. Ask gentle, open-ended questions, such as: 

• “What have you seen or heard about this on TikTok or YouTube?” 
• “What are your friends saying?”
• “What do you know about what happened? How do you feel?”

Younger children need simple, calm reassurance: “Someone was hurt at school, and the police are helping.” Older children may want more context, and it’s OK to acknowledge uncertainty: “I don’t have all the answers, but we can figure it out together.” 

These conversations shouldn’t be formal or scheduled. Some of the most natural and effective moments come while driving home from school, making dinner, or playing a game together. Let your child’s curiosity guide the pace and depth of the discussion. 

Validate feelings and create emotional safety

Children need to feel heard more than they need polished explanations. Use validating language that trauma-informed practices show helps kids feel grounded, such as: 

• “I believe you.” 
• “I’m listening.” 
• “We’ll figure this out together.” 

Normalize fear, sadness or anger. Let them know their emotions are valid. Pay attention to changes in behavior that may signal deeper distress, like clinginess, withdrawal, nightmares, moodiness or disrupted sleep. 

Predictability is especially comforting. Consistent routines — meals, bedtimes, homework — and small choices (what game to play, which book to read, what vegetable to eat) restore a sense of control in a world that often feels unstable. Encourage grounding practices, as well: deep breathing, physical play, creative expression and breaks from screens.

Limit and co-witness media exposure

Continuous news and social media updates can intensify stress. Monitor what children watch or read, and when possible co-witness it with them. Preview content when you can. And with older children, use media as an opportunity to build critical thinking: “Who made this? Are they sharing facts or opinions? What bias might be here?” 

Also, consider designating media-free times — at dinner, before bed or during weekends — to create space for calm and connection. 

Model calm resilience

 Children watch how adults react. They notice whether we panic or pause. Remaining grounded, even while acknowledging your own sadness, helps them manage their reactions. 

Seek support when needed

Persistent nightmares, withdrawal or extreme anxiety can signal the need for a school counselor, mental health professional or additional support, such as the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline. Asking for help is a sign of strength. 

Tragedies like these remind us that children are not bystanders. They are witness to a world that can feel frightening and unpredictable. Every lockdown drill, every headline, every conversation about shootings leaves a mark. But our response can also leave a mark. Listening, validating and modeling compassion builds resilience. It teaches children that while violence exists, so do empathy and love.

Children may encounter violence first through TikTok, YouTube or their friends. If we meet that exposure with honesty, reassurance, critical guidance and emotional safety, we can help them not just cope, but grow in resilience, trust and even civic awareness. 

We can’t undo the horrors that children witness. But we can shape how children experience them. We can provide truth without terror, safety without illusion and guidance without fear. And that may be one of the most important responsibilities of our lifetime.

Editor’s note: Michael Medoro is chief operating officer and chief of staff at Childhelp, a Scottsdale-based national nonprofit founded in 1959. Please submit comments at yourvalley.net/letters or email them to AzOpinions@iniusa.org. We are committed to publishing a wide variety of reader opinions, as long as they meet our Civility Guidelines.