Grief isn’t linear: What Arizonans should know about bereavement

Jaime Vinck, MC, LPC

Submitted photo

Loss is layered, and healing looks different for everyone.”

For years, I’ve supported clients through some of the darkest seasons of their lives. But when I experienced a profound personal loss myself, even with all my clinical training, I was stunned by its weight.

The sadness was expected, but it was the unpredictability that truly threw me. One day I felt strong. The next, completely undone. This is grief. And it doesn’t follow a straight line.

Most of us were raised on the idea that grief unfolds in five tidy stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. This model, which was first introduced by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in the 1960s, has shaped everything from how we talk to the bereaved to how we measure our own emotional progress.

Her groundbreaking work gave us language for grief and, for the first time, encouraged open communication about death and dying. While her contributions changed how we view grief, we now also understand that mourning doesn’t follow a fixed schedule. There is no such thing as “doing it right.”

At Meadows Behavioral Healthcare, we see this every day. People come to us believing they’ve failed because they haven’t “moved on” after a loss. Or they’ve found themselves “stuck” in one stage or bouncing between stages. What they don’t understand is that all of this is normal. What they’re really carrying is the weight of unrealistic expectations, ones that make them feel broken simply for being human.

In truth, emotions can bubble up years later. Grief isn’t a problem to be fixed; It’s a process to live. For some, it feels like a dull ache; for others, a tidal wave that comes out of nowhere. And for many, especially those with a history of trauma, grief can resurface in unexpected ways, through anxiety, substance use, irritability or even physical symptoms like fatigue or brain fog.

Loss is layered, and healing looks different for everyone. Instead of asking, “what’s wrong with you?” we should be asking, “what happened to you?” And more importantly, “what do you need right now?”

One of the most damaging myths about grief is that it ends. It evolves and it softens with time, and we may even integrate the loss into our lives in ways that let us function again. But we don’t “get over” the people we love. And we shouldn’t be expected to.

Another common trap? Believing that joy and grief can’t coexist. The truth is, some of the most beautiful, hopeful moments I’ve witnessed, both in my own life and in the lives of patients, have emerged in the middle of deep sorrow. A laugh through tears. A memory that brings both pain and warmth. These are not signs of moving on. They are signs of moving forward.

Let’s also remember the kinds of grief that can be misunderstood. For parents grieving a miscarriage, for children navigating the loss of a parent, for those who have lost a pet or for a spouse mourning the emotional absence of a partner with dementia, these types of losses can be minimized or overlooked. But these losses are real and deserving of compassion.

As we approach National Grief Awareness Day on Aug. 30, my hope is that we can expand the conversation.

Let’s stop measuring grief in stages and start meeting it with grace. Let’s make room for the messiness. Let’s check in on friends who are grieving long after the casseroles stop coming. And let’s remind ourselves that healing isn’t linear, it’s deeply personal, and can be fragmented, layered, meandering and unpredictable.

Because in the end, grief is love with nowhere to go. And love, in all its forms, never follows a straight line.

Editor’s note: Jaime Vinck, LPC, is president of Phoenix-based Meadows Behavioral Healthcare, which has locations in Scottsdale and Wickenburg. Please submit comments at yourvalley.net/letters or email them to AzOpinions@iniusa.org. We are committed to publishing a wide variety of reader opinions, as long as they meet our Civility Guidelines.