This Valentine’s Day, I’m reminded of the many conversations I’ve had with caregivers struggling to redefine love in the face of dementia. Love, in its purest form, is about connection, but when a loved one experiences cognitive decline, the way we connect inevitably changes.
I often advise families that while love may look different, it never disappears. It simply takes new forms — requiring patience, creativity and compassion.
Consent becomes a complex issue when someone has dementia. If a person no longer has the cognitive ability to understand or communicate consent, then they cannot legally give it. As dementia progresses, judgment, reasoning and memory decline, making it difficult for the affected person to fully grasp the nature of relationships, including intimacy.
Showing affection and having an intimate moment doesn’t have to be about romance; it can be about presence, companionship and togetherness. A gentle touch, holding hands or even humming a familiar tune together can bring immense comfort.
Many caregivers fear that as memory fades, love fades with it, but I’ve seen firsthand how small gestures — a familiar scent, a tender embrace — can spark recognition and emotion. Though your partner may not always remember your name, they will remember how you make them feel.
One of the most painful aspects of dementia is when a loved one forgets who you are or forms attachments to others. There is the occasional partner who will enter memory care and make a new love connection, while their spouse watches from the sidelines, helpless and heartbroken. That’s when I remind caregivers that this isn’t a rejection — it’s a symptom of their condition.
I’ve even worked with spouses who have mistaken their partner for a parent. Imagine how this dynamic forces a change in sleeping arrangements. To the partner with dementia, sharing a bed would be inappropriate. To reduce anxiety and stress, the partner must follow suit.
While difficult, these adjustments are necessary to create a peaceful and supportive environment. To help process these complicated emotions, I can’t express enough just how valuable a good support group can be for a caregiver. If nothing else, it’s reassurance that you are not alone.
When verbal communication becomes difficult and words begin to fail, love can still speak. A warm smile, or a shared dance, can bridge that gap. I always encourage families to engage in memory-rich activities, such as flipping through old photo albums or watching favorite movies. Even if they can’t recall the details, the feelings those moments evoke can bring peace and joy. Creative outlets, such as painting or listening to music, can help maintain a connection beyond words.
Caring for someone with dementia can be emotionally exhausting. You’re grieving the loss of the relationship you once had while still being physically present. This duality is one of the hardest parts of caregiving. But remember, self-care isn’t selfish — it’s essential.
Whether it’s seeking respite, talking to a therapist or simply stepping outside for a deep breath, taking care of yourself allows you to show up with love and patience.
At its core, love is about presence. It’s about showing up, even when it’s hard. It’s about adapting, even when it hurts. While dementia may change the way love is expressed, it doesn’t erase it.
Editor’s note: Lolita Tramel is a dual-board certified family and psychiatric mental health nurse practitioner, and founder/CEO of Scottsdale-based Hearts For Dementia. Please send your comments to AzOpinions@iniusa.org. We are committed to publishing a wide variety of reader opinions, as long as they meet our Civility Guidelines.
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