In conversations about domestic violence, one troubling question often arises: “Why doesn’t she just leave?” This question — whether spoken or implied — shifts responsibility away from the abuser and onto the survivor.
It suggests that leaving is a simple choice when, in reality, the decision to leave is one of the most dangerous and complex moments in an abusive relationship. Instead of questioning victims, we must hold abusers accountable and create a culture that supports, rather than shames, survivors.
Victim-blaming is language, attitudes and behaviors that shift blame from perpetrators of violence to the victim. Victim-survivors are often met with skepticism, judged for staying too long, or questioned about their actions instead of the abuser’s choices. This not only retraumatizes them but also discourages others from seeking help. When victims fear being blamed, they are less likely to report abuse, reach out for resources or trust the justice system to protect them.
Blame can take many forms. Friends and family might unknowingly reinforce harmful narratives, asking “Why did you stay so long?” rather than “Why did your partner choose to hurt you?”
The media often portrays domestic violence cases with a focus on what the victim did or didn’t do, rather than shining a light on the abuser’s actions. Even legal systems sometimes place an undue burden on survivors, questioning their credibility or requiring them to prove they are “perfect victims.”
Domestic violence is about power and control, and abusers use manipulation, financial dependence, isolation and threats to keep survivors in the cycle of violence. On average, it takes a victim seven attempts to leave before they successfully break free.
Leaving is also the most dangerous time — studies show that the risk of being killed increases significantly when a victim attempts to leave an abusive partner.
For many, barriers like financial instability, immigration status, custody concerns or a lack of shelter options make leaving seem impossible. Survivors often stay because they are doing what they believe is safest for themselves and their children at that moment.
Rather than questioning their choices, we should be asking why abusers are allowed to continue harming others without consequence.
At New Life Center, we know that safety and support — not judgment — are what survivors need to escape abuse and rebuild their lives. Our shelter provides emergency housing, advocacy and healing services for adults and children escaping domestic violence, sexual violence and human trafficking.
We also recognize that breaking free from abuse is more than just leaving — it’s about healing and long-term stability. Through trauma-informed care, case management, advocacy and a variety of healing modalities, we help survivors regain control of their futures.
But our work doesn’t stop at crisis response. We also focus on prevention and education, working to change the attitudes that allow victim-blaming to persist. By training professionals, engaging the community and teaching youth about healthy relationships, we aim to break the cycle of violence for future generations.
Abusers make a choice to harm, manipulate and control. They alone are responsible for their actions. When we focus on what a survivor did or didn’t do, we let the abuser off the hook.
To shift accountability, we must:
• Believe survivors. Responding with support instead of doubt encourages victims to seek help.
• Change the conversation. Replace victim-blaming questions with statements like, “No one deserves to be abused,” and “The abuser is responsible.”
• Hold abusers accountable. Ensure that legal systems, workplaces and communities send a clear message that abuse is unacceptable and will not be tolerated.
When we shift the conversation from shaming survivors to demanding accountability from abusers, we take a crucial step toward ending the cycle of abuse.
Editor’s note: Kate Thoene is chief strategy officer of New Life Center, Arizona’s largest domestic violence shelter. Please send your comments to AzOpinions@iniusa.org. We are committed to publishing a wide variety of reader opinions, as long as they meet our Civility Guidelines.
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